Your mother and mine

 

Since I started sewing, I’ve had several Japanese co-workers and friends say “Oh, you’ll be a good wife/mother (it varies).”  They cite my ‘skills’ at cooking and sewing, and since I’m really not good at the whole self-abasement aspect of Japanese culture, I tend to gloss over it and quickly tell them I hate cleaning.  There’s only so many times you can say your cooking is disgusting, or your sewing is terrible when clearly you made a delicious cake and pretty awesome Marie Antoinette dress.  I mean, I’m willing to point out the actual flaws in what I do, “Oh, this cake is too heavy.” or “I pleated the fabric badly and the hem is uneven.” But saying something I put effort and time into sucks is just hard for me to do in any type of sincere manner.  But I lost the point here.  What’s the point?  Housewives.

Japan is a nation where many women are pressured to leave their careers after getting married or having children so that they can stay at home and be housewives.  When Japanese people tell me I’d be a good wife or a good mother, they sincerely mean it as a compliment.  And I do take it as such. In many ways Japan seems to be behind the times. I think it should be a woman’s choice if she want’s to leave her career, but on a whole, the Japanese do take their mothering quite seriously.  The Japanese people in general are reserved. Even from parent to child there aren’t many professions of love, and many Japanese parents don’t even hug their children.  I’m not sure if this is true for younger children, but I think it usually is for older kids, especially after they’re out of elementary school.  But Japanese mothers do love their children, and this is shown by the time and effort they put into doing simple everyday things for their kids.  Cooking and sewing are skills valued by Japanese mothers because it’s through these skills that their children feel their love.  Mothers get up early to make very cute and elaborate bento (boxed lunches) for their daycare and kindergarten children.  Many children also have personalized hand-made bags made by their mothers. 

My family was not well-off when I was young, and I remember as child in elementary school, I could only have school lunch once a week, the rest of the time my mom made my lunch for me.  I think it was usually a pretty standard healthy lunch for kids, a sandwich, fuit, carrot sticks, sometimes a fruit roll-up or a homemade cookie.  The lunches weren’t elaborate, but my mom would always ask me what I wanted, and of course I didn’t need to feel my mom’s love through lunch because she would hug me and tell me she loved me everyday.  That didn’t stop her from writing little notes and hiding them in my lunch box.  I remember one in particular that had a picture of an eye, a heart, a U, and a bunch of carrots, and on the back it was translated “I love you bunches.”

I get the feeling in America that housewives are held somewhat in disdain. I’m not saying everyone, or even the majority of people think that, but the sentiment does exist.  Women who want to stay at home and be with their children are seen as good mothers, yes, but also as traitors to womankind, supporting a flawed system from the past when women were disenfranchised and kept in the home, dependent on their man for everything.  I do agree that the system was flawed, but the problem wasn’t with the housewives (I think I prefer the term stay at home moms, SAHMs) but with the lack of value society placed on the domestic work done by women.  It’s difficult to write this without writing an essay on second-wave feminism and I’m skipping points here, but the bottom line is that I think in a family with children, one of the parents should be with the children most of the time, and that there is great emotional (and health) value in having homemade meals.  I’m not saying that it has to be women, part of second-wave feminism was the idea of negotiating gender roles in the home, but in my case I want it to be me and I’m a women.  I don’t have a dream career, I make fantasy plans about how fun it would be to own/manage a café, or be a seamstress, but caring for a family would fulfill those creative needs as well.  

A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.…

 She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard…
She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy…

She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31 10-31 New International Version

The woman described here isn’t some weak-willed ninny whose only purpose is to have supper on the table on time and keep the kids out of trouble.  She works hard to provide for her family, she manages household funds, she runs her own business, she is a benefit to the community, she is regarded as wise, her words hold weight, her husband is respected because of her, and her work is acknowledged as good and valuable not only in the home, but in the community as well. She honors the Lord in her every day duties.  

So yes, I want to be a home-maker. I'm not sure I can make bed linens, but my scarf is coming along. I can cook and sew, I just need to get a handle on this cleaning thing.