She go around in circles, till she's very, very dizzy

Recently I have been filled with a spirit of struggle and strife.  Just half a year ago I felt like I had lost God. It seemed when I prayed as if words left my mouth and dissipated into a room empty except for myself. I finally cried out, "God, why can’t I find You, why don’t You hear me?  How have I left You?”  

 God responded, where are you going looking for me, why are you trying to find Me? Be still, haven’t you heard My voice, I have drawn near to you and am calling your name. You don’t need to find me, I’m right here. God had been there all along (as I knew He had been) but I hadn't been opening my heart to listen. The next morning I went to the place where I want to build my future house and fell to my knees and confessed the dreams and doubts of my heart to God.  “God, I have this desire in my heart that I always thought was of You, but take it from me if it’s not.  I want to be a mother God, I want to be a wife. I want to make a family and home here in Maine, but if it’s not Your will than lead me some other way. I will go where you command me.”  I first prayed that prayer when I was 12 at summer camp.  As I was convicted then I was convicted again, “Betsy, the dream in your heart is My desire for you. Just wait in Me."

I firmly believe that God intends for me to be a mother and wife. So why such a struggle when I have such a conviction from God?  Sometimes I feel like Sarah laughing from the side of her tent wondering how God will fulfill such a fantastic promise.  God has told me to wait in Him, but I keep seeing possible paths and say “God, won’t that take me where You’re leading me? Let’s go that way.”  I’m a human living in a human body with a human mind.  I get silly crushes and have human desires for closeness and companionship. I also have human doubts.  All these swirl together in me and create such a distracting wellspring of emotion.  I get distracted and might as well start pulling petals off daisies.  There’s nothing wrong with experiencing and enjoying emotions, but when it becomes a distraction I’m in trouble.  I have difficulty listening to God, and when I start listening to my own self and using my own self to make judgments is when I really start stumbling. 

The other night I found myself on a late night drive crying out to God, “Lord, I have this mess inside of me, all these confusing things and all the confusing relationships in my life. Here they are, I can’t carry them all by myself.  Lord, please take these things that distract me and lift them away from me. Help me to be content in You.  You will meet all my needs. Help me to wait in You until You fulfill Your promises.”

Part of waiting in the Lord I have found is putting aside my dreams and doubts for the future and see in the present what I can do for my Lord.   Do I live my life each day listening for the voice of the Spirit, do I act out of selfless love, do I imitate Christ? I always feel better when I have something concrete to hold on to, and I believe God will bless the works of our hands that we do in His name.

“Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.” Proverbs 16:3

I’ve taken the skills and inclinations God has given me and have begun sewing a little girl’s princess dress.  I’m sewing it entirely by hand, and as I sew I pray blessings and hopes for the unknown girl this dress will go to.  God has always laid children on my heart, and I hope that with this dress I can tell some little girl in a way she might not understand yet, that she has a Heavenly Father who will take her into His kingdom as His own daughter if she will open her heart to Him. The kingdoms of earth don't even enter into competition with the Kingdom of Heaven, they are as dust on the scales.